Trees

Anyone familiar with the Archers will be aware that Jill’s new gentleman caller, Leonard (played by Paul Copley - better known to younger listeners on Radio 4 as Tom Wrigglesworth’s dad*), can’t paint trees for toffee. Not even if his life depended on it; he recently passed off a picture he acquired from a gallery as one of his own. Charlatan.

These are for you Lenny.

* As opposed to older Radio 4 listeners who will remember him as Mr. Long in King St. Junior which ran from 1985-1998.

For Your Babies

Everywhere I turn people are having babies, and making babies. And not just real people - Pip Archer has just driven (yet) another nail in her dad's coffin by announcing she's pregnant with Toby Fairbrother's seed. Good on her, that's what I say. The villain of the piece (Ambridge's bad boy and very own gin distiller) will probably pay maintenance by way of a few bottles of Scruff; mother's ruin indeed.

But back to people who really do exist, and not just in a fictitious village south by south-west of Birmingham. Our friends Liam & Suzie, Jim & Debs, and Ross & Jenny are all counting down to when they go from being two alone to three together. Our love and best wishes go out to all of them. And to Pip & Toby too, what the hell.

Simply Red - For Your Babies

Helen 1 Rob 0 (Latest Score)

The first cut is the deepest

With some fancy footwork the cheesemaker formerly known as Helen Archer thought she’d left her man for dead on Sunday night - but the three points aren't in the bag just yet: this pot boiler is still bubbling away nicely. We've all come across Helens in our life and secretly wish they’d resort to route one retribution. Maybe after listening to The Archers they’ll begin to feel more empowered. I'll be tuning in at seven o'clock tonight for the latest installment. Are you joining me?

Fat Paul & Lord Netherbourne

Listening to The Archers is a lot like listening to Beatles albums: FAB for the most part but sooner or later you know the ubiquitous Ringo track will pop up and knock you off your perch; in the case of The Archers it's called the Sunday episode - all light and no heat.

And it's getting worse, Sunday night episodes are now just as likely to happen on a Wednesday. Or a Friday. Added to which the scriptwriters have gone off piste with virtually every character in Ambridge. Words are being put in their mouths by school leaver scribblers who wouldn't know a pint of Shires from a bottle of WKD.

I can think of only two characters that have escaped this recent bout of silliness: Lord Netherbourne, godfather to posh Caroline and all round benefactor, has about as much to say as the sultry, yet dumb, Marina in Stingray. Likewise, Eddie Grundy's longstanding cowboy builder mate Fat Paul has also sworn a vow of silence - thus ensuring that he can never knowingly contradict himself or commit glaring continuity errors.