More bread and circuses required

At a time in Britain's history when our collected chins are on the floor and the Scots are looking for the fire escape, now would seem like a good time to launch a credible fourth party: a party that would deflate the worryingly ascending Farage balloon. The Let's Have a Party party - less food banks and reality TV, more bread and circuses. A party that believes we should be laughing at Vic and Bob, not Cameron and Clegg. Of course the name would need to be worked on. But the monikers of the three major players on the current leader-board haven't really stood the test of time, have they? And as for policies, well quite clearly they're not necessary. A ten second sound bite or maybe just a 500 word blog will suffice.

And how would we start this new political force to be reckoned with? Well, I'd suggest political inertness. We would start by laughing at anybody who claimed he or she represented anyone other than themselves. With turnouts for recent elections peaking at less than 35% and a Prime Minister in office that nobody remembers voting for, it's quite clearly time to ask our potential candidates to run around their local town hall wearing their shoes on the wrong feet and seeing who could do it in the best time. Thus ensuring we would get a better standard of politician than we have now.

We'd do away with Policy Units and Think Tanks but, as Father Ted once said to Dougal, you've got to follow up a big idea with lots of little ideas. Anybody got an envelope? Or a fag packet?

Cameron's in the chair

 Last chance saloon?

Before he realised how many middle class votes he would hemorrhage as a result, David Cameron was steadfast in his support of minimum alcohol unit pricing. He was all too aware, like many of us, that Hospital A & E Departments are no longer full of little boys with saucepans on their heads but overflowing with drunks (many roaring, many more dangerous to themselves and others) - the inevitable conclusion for those who have been on it all day. When was the last time you were admitted to Accident and Emergency and were seen in less than four hours? A creaking at the seams NHS would not be quite so creaking if the one third of drink related patients weren't clogging up the system. And wanting to punch out the lights of the very people who are there to put them back together.

And maybe then if the proposals were to go ahead our Police force would be able to fight crime and feel a few collars, instead of spending every Friday and Saturday night mopping up our towns and cities of revelers who think a night on the town is not complete without killing or hurting anyone who gets in their way; if they've been caning it on cider that's cheaper than bottled water, what do you expect? And that's before they've even set foot in a pub.

But today the Prime Minister started back-pedalling. Not for the first time his principles go out of the window when his back benchers get uppity: David Davies, on this morning's Today programme, was distancing himself from Cameron by saying how such a pricing policy would hit the poor and 'those in the North'. I'm still reeling from that one. Where exactly is this dystopian North? And who does he think dwells there?

If Cameron misses this opportunity to start addressing our chronic drinking culture we may never get another chance. Think about that the next time you're in A & E dodging the missiles.