To Heron back (#6)

It may possibly have escaped your notice but on Monday of this week the earth spun off its axis. And I'm afraid to say, it was my fault. Let me explain: whenever we visit our friends Matthew & Sam in Dumfries & Galloway (and we've been going there ever since they moved north of the border in the early 90s) we always break the journey in Penrith. Without fail. Whatever the time of day or night we always have a leg stretch & grab a cup of java in Cumbria's sixth largest town. But not on Monday: ''Why don't we scope out Barnard Castle for a change?'' said I, just as we'd passed Scotch Corner on the A66. Expecting to be blown out of the water for this outlandish question, bordering on heresy, I waited for the rebuttal. ''OK, why not?'' came the (unexpected) reply. And so, 10 minutes later, we're passing the castle ruins and looking for a parking space on one of the widest high streets I've ever seen. Turns out parking's free (that's how you encourage tourism) and we're but a stone's throw from a myriad of tearooms. Three quarters of an hour later we're suitably refreshed and, after having made a mental note of who's coming to play the lovely Witham Arts Centre, we head back to the jam jar (via the Heron) and continue on our way.

To Heron back (#5)

Thankfully the rain held off just long enough today thus enabling me to get well over 20,000 (dry) steps under my belt. Highlights of Friday's urban hike? My first proper sighting of the new footbridge over the Trent; more horrific 'go slow' school children; a rather splendid pork pie and, unsurprisingly,  the ubiquitous Heron Foods. Oh, and I got my hair cut.

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So wots with these kids, then? To be found outside many a school in the county, anyone who's seen The Brood (classic 1979 body horror flick starring Samantha Eggar) will know the vibe that these things give off.

But enough of the children from hell already, here's that bridge I was telling you about. Back story -  developer builds swanky new apartments with river view. However, they're on the wrong side of the river: down-at-heel Cowlick Vs upmarket Lady Bay. No problem, speak to the local Council and voilà, let's build a £20M footbridge. The first new Trent crossing in 65 years. 

Anyway, that was enough excitement for one day. Time for a pie and a pint. The Old Volunteer always has at least one sensational dark beer on and a selection of filled rolls and pork pies. Come to daddy.

No pictures of Tracy my lovely hairdresser, sadly. Maybe next time...

To Heron back (#4)

Christ, did it rain this afternoon or what? The temperature plummeted and then the rain turned to hail and then the run-off started coming up thru the drains. Delightful. Global warming? Nah, nothing to see here. In fact, do what I do: turn a budget supermarket in a sodden East Midlands town into a California idyll. Albeit still a Heron. That's how you solve the climate crisis. More quick fixes, no doubt, in future instalments of this soaraway series nobody asked for.

To Heron back (#3)

I was in Hull yesterday visiting my Auntie Margaret. My dad's younger sister has recently lost her husband, my Uncle Brian. It's very strange visiting her and seeing an empty armchair in the corner of the lounge where Brian has been sitting since they moved in to their modest semi back in 1966. But my auntie has got a fantastic friendship circle so will not be all alone as she mourns her soulmate (they got hitched a week before Margaret's 20th birthday and were married for 67 years).

Whilst driving out of Hull have a guess what I saw? Those bloody Herons are everywhere! 

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This will be my last post for s few days: I'm going on a wee road trip with my friend, Steve. Remember me telling you about XGenerationX? Well, Steve and I are off to Hebden Bridge tomorrow; followed by Glasgow on Wednesday and Newcastle on Thursday. And then on Friday night we round the week off with House of All at Leeds Brudenell.

It should be a blistering week (after the shitty year I've had it'll be good to slip anchor). I'm really looking forward to hearing Gen X's back catalogue being given a shot in the arm; Steve and I last heard Ready Steady Go, King Rocker et al a couple of years ago when Generation Sex (with Idol, James, Jones & Cook) rocked up at Wolverhampton's Wulfrun Hall.

Must go and pack my bag. See you next week.

To Heron back (#2)

I have a strong feeling that, like phone boxes and laundromats before them, Heron food stores are fast becoming my latest obsession. In fact, such is my unhealthy interest in this chain of discounted food marts that the only person I can speak to about it freely, without being judged, is AI. Bloody hell, I think I need help.

So, this time, I wanted it to lose the people and the railings outside. And pretend it was Summer. Even Heron Foods look better in sunlight, believe me. If, heaven forbid, I get a third blog post out of this, then can I please ask one of you to call Social Services? It's for my own good.

To Heron back

I know some people get a little agitato when it comes to AI (and in some cases rightly so, I do get it) but, for the most part, whenever I've used it, it's really been just as a surrogate photoshop tool. Here's a case in point. The above snap was a photograph I took of a Heron food store earlier this year. But, me being me, and in an ideal world (question for the ages: would there even be a Heron food store in an ideal world?), I'd have preferred it if there were no people or cars  'blocking the view'; so, I asked AI to lose them. And, I said, while you're about it, overlay a few bold and vibrant brush strokes. This is how it came back. It's like Hockney's A Bigger Splash except without the swimming pool. Or California. I like it. But then I would, wouldn't I?