Holding out for a hero

With the country, nay the world, facing something of an an existential crisis, never before have we needed a saviour quite like we need one now. But whether you believe in the big man upstairs or super heroes who get changed in phone boxes you'll be waiting a long time for that kind of deliverance. However, if you fancy a spot of divine intervention on the cheap look no further than the independent space warrior permaclad in black & grey with a dustbin on his head. Say what you like, you'd be hard pushed to disagree with any of Count Binface's manifesto pledges; a few of which include:

* Bring back Ceefax

* Nationalise model railways

* Pensions to be double locked (with a little chain on the side)

* Spend £1Tn a week on the NHS (that's one trillion)

* Allow Czechs to remain on the Irish border

* '99' flake ice creams to be capped at 99p

* HS2 to be renamed FFS1

* Tries in Rugby League to be increased from 4 to 5 points - in line with inflation

And if he gives that skid mark Farage a bloody nose into the bargain then it's got to be a win win. So come on Clacton, we can do this.